How many times have you been down on yourself for no good reason at all? Or at times you should celebrate your achievements, you instead downplay your worth? It’s a well-known mum habit, and it’s called ‘Mother’s Guilt’. The Sleep Coach Cheryl Fingelson unpacks the phenomenon and what you can do about it.
‘Mother’s guilt’ is so common amongst parents. But why are we so hard on ourselves? How have we reached this point as a society? And perhaps more importantly, how do we overcome it to become happy, confident parents, free to enjoy our children without the feeling we’re somehow getting it wrong?
Stop the negative self-talk
So often, mums focus on what we ‘should’ be doing for our children. It’s that negative inner dialogue that haunts us. Thoughts like, “I should be doing more”, “The house is always a mess”, “I should be exercising” “I should make more homemade dinners”.
Why do we do this? Because our children are the most important things in our lives and we want to get everything right for them- but the fact is, most of us are doing the best we can and nothing will ever be perfect. In the end it’s the unconditional love we have for our children and the simple things that count.
Turn the negative into a positive
When we feel a negative inner dialogue emerge, stop it in its tracks! Practice a “pause in thought” by cutting off the dialogue and replace it with something you do that’s positive. Focus on showing your love with everyday actions, whether it is splashing around at bath time or reading bedtime stories. These are loving, valuable moments to share with your children – and they’re are easy to forget about when you’re focusing on the negative. It simply boils down to giving your kids your undivided attention. In turn they feel they are valued and cared for.
By practising this simple switch, mums can build an excellent foundation for their children’s life-long sense of emotional wellbeing.
Ways to feel more secure as a mum
Remembering these three simple guidlines will help keep you focused on the positives:
- Keep your approach to parenting simple
- Stop comparing yourself with other mums
- Focus on your own input and what you feel comfortable with
Let your children lead the way
Sometimes we overlook just what our children actually relish in. Kids will enjoy spending time with you, even if you’re just doing chores around the house. So don’t hesitate in asking your children to help out with domestic chores like cleaning or cooking, or helping guide you with directions while driving. Whether it be washing the car, picking up leaves or weeding the garden, these simple tasks can turn into great ways to bond and enjoy cherished quality time with your loved ones.
Be present
In raising kids we can often find ourselves in autopilot. But in between ‘getting things done’ look for small opportunities to spend a few extra seconds or minutes smiling, singing, chatting, comforting our kids when they are upset, playing, being silly with them, saying “I love you”, and being accepting of their ‘negative’ emotions as well as their positive emotions.
It is these experiences that are exactly what children need in order to develop into well functioning social human beings, which helps your confidence in your parenting as well.
So next time you begin beating yourself up about what you should be doing better, take a moment or two and remember that you are doing an amazing job and laying the foundations for happy, confident, resilient and very loved children, which is the ultimate outcome for a happy family.
