Dear family and friends,
Yes, I have a newborn and, suddenly, life is all new kinds of crazy. I’m still me, but I’m learning to be a mum, too, so here’s what you need to know that might help us both adjust to this new state of affairs.
Firstly, I really love hearing from you. Even when I don’t have time (or enough hands) to write back, I love the text messages and emails and cards that tell me your news and that you are thinking of me. Keep them coming! I also love being invited to things (like dinner parties and girls’ nights) even though you know I’ll decline, especially when you preface it with, “If you can make it, good, but there’s no pressure” – it makes me feel included but not a killjoy for saying no.
I love having visitors, but Bub and I can only do so much in a day and in a week. I want to see you, but I am also busy feeding, changing, settling (repeat times infinity). And though I have many qualities, being able to do everything at once and maintain my sanity isn’t one of them. Thank you for being flexible, for understanding if I need to cancel at the last minute, or if I’m an hour late for our coffee catch-up. I am trying my best and really appreciate you making a little more room for us to operate on a new timetable.
Food is always welcome. If you ask me, I’ll generally say, ‘No, don’t bring anything, we’re fine’ and we are, but a few of you haven’t asked. You’ve just brought something over that we can heat up or freeze for later, and at 9pm when Bub has been impossible for several hours, Hubby and I could almost cry with gratitude that we have something delicious and nutritious that involves no slicing, dicing, frying, a long cooking time or major dishwashing effort. Thank you, foodie friends!
When you’re at my house, please make yourselves welcome. Some days I won’t have the mental capacity to even think to offer you a cup of tea, so just make one for yourself (and, go ahead and offer me one, too – mine tends to go cold before I can even get to it). If you feel like folding washing, go for it. Wipe the table (the one with my hours-old breakfast and some milk stains on it), or just veg out on the couch. I love having you over, but hours later I will wonder whether I was a good host if you stay ‘too polite’ with me, so make it easy on me by just settling in as if it were your own home.
Looking after a newborn can be tough. Looking after one who is sick is a nightmare. Thank you for staying away if you’re sick (even just a little cold), and for washing your hands as soon as you come into my home or before you hold Bub. You and I can fend off germs like nobody’s business (we’ve had years of practice) but my little one needs a bit of time to build up her strength. I hate having to ask you to wash your hands (it makes me feel like a protective mother) so having you do it before I have to makes life a whole lot easier.
I miss our long, breezy conversations, when we had all the time in the world to swap office gossip or talk politics. Some days Bub will be an angel and we’ll still be able to do that, and other days she’ll need my attention constantly. Motherhood is a bit of a roller coaster ride like that. My brain is also so full of new information and is focused on how to keep her alive and happy that I won’t quite be myself for a few months. I also don’t yet know my limits, so err on the side of short visits. For the first 2-3 weeks, anything longer than an hour would leave me exhausted. Even now, I feel great while socialising, but it does drain my energy more than I realise – when I start fading, that’s your cue to leave, I’m afraid.
Finally, know that I love and care about you and want you to be a part of Bub’s life. Thank you for fitting in around her until she’s old enough to fit in around us. I can’t wait to resume our long dinners with lots of wine and conversation flowing well in to the night. Until then, a cup of tea while feeding my little bundle of joy isn’t half bad. And having friends and family like you to tell me how cute she is and what a great job I’m doing is even better!
With much love,
The mother of a newborn (New NSM Kylie Flament)
