Setting consequences for children who naturally want to push the boundaries is stressful and challenging. Parents need stamina and grit to follow through with punishments, such as confiscating a child’s device or taking away their privileges. Here are some steps from family counsellor Cherie Marriott to guaranteeing success when you set consequences for kids.
As a family counsellor, I hear many stories of parents who are caught in an endless cycle of negotiation with children or teens who simply won’t follow the rules. Together I work closely with these families to establish a discipline framework that is not only easy to implement but drastically reduces parent-child conflict.
Here are some steps to guaranteeing success when setting consequences for your child:
Why are consequences important?
Children don’t follow rules because they agree with the rules – they follow rules because they don’t want to be denied something they want. If you get the settings right, you won’t have to impose consequences too often. Your child will choose to stay inside the boundaries. Here’s why consequences are so important:
- Children’s brains take years to develop and they don’t have the neurological hardware to fully evaluate causes and effects. Consequences provide a decision-making scaffold that is simple for them to follow: “If I take this action, I will lose my phone for a day.”
- Consequences act like a brake in a child’s brain making them less likely to take excessive risks. In the teen years, this can minimise their chances of experiencing a frightening event – such as an assault – which can take decades to get over.
- Firm but fair consequences help to reduce family conflict. When a child knows their parent will stand their ground, there is no point in arguing.
- Failing to apply consequences or backflipping on rules can leave children believing their parents don’t care. As adults these children tell me how this felt: “It didn’t seem to matter to my parents if I was in danger or participating in risky activities,” they say.
How to set consequences for kids (that work!)
Start early – Begin in the toddler years with short time-outs for behaviours you want to stop. By the time your child is a teenager they will be familiar with how it rolls. “I break a rule, I get a consequence.”
Decide on the rules first – Have a simple set of pre-determined rules and consequences that are clearly communicated to your child. Avoid making rules on the fly and changing your mind. This is confusing to a child and opens a window for negotiation.
Be reasonable – Allow your child to take age-appropriate risks and alter the rules as they grow. If you are too strict, they will go underground and your consequences will have no value.
Find a currency that works – All children are different and will respond to different punishments. You might confiscate a favourite item (phone or toy) for a short period, reduce gaming time, dock pocket money, or stop them from attending an event with a friend. For younger children, time-outs are effective if they are managed well.
Match the punishment to the crime – If the consequences are too large or too punitive, your child will naturally argue against the unfairness. Many parents have difficulty with this one – they threaten to “take the phone away for a week” and then wonder why a battle ensues. Never cancel a child’s own birthday party or deny them involvement in an important family event.
Use a rachet system – If your child doesn’t respond to the first warning, you will need to take it a step further. “If you don’t stop that now, you will lose another 15 minutes of Minecraft time.” Communicate this rachet system to your child before applying it.
Follow through – Remember what consequence you have delivered and be there to lift the ban or return the device on time. “Okay, you have spent 10 minutes in your room, you can come out of time-out now.”
Two homes, same rules – for children who split their time between separated parents, keep the rules and consequences consistent across both homes. This is complicated and fraught with potential conflict. Seek help with a trained family therapist to give this the best chance of success.
Avoid common pitfalls that lead to conflict
By far the biggest mistake made by parents is changing the rules on the fly or failing to communicate consequences before applying them. Your child will fight against these perceived injustices. Here’s some other ways to avoid common pitfalls:
- Don’t make empty threats. Your child will quickly learn you don’t mean what you say.
- Get on the same page with the other parent. Agreeing on the rules and presenting a united front not only gives you strength to hold firm, it shows your child there is no point in trying to split the parents.
- Stand your ground and don’t over-justify. Parents tend to talk too much when delivering consequences. Explain the situation in simple terms using a calm voice and then leave it. This display of measured confidence reduces opportunities for negotiation.
- Don’t push for an apology. Most children find it impossible to admit their mistakes upfront. A child’s silence or slumped posture are signs that they feel bad about their behaviour. If you push for an apology, you are now adding a new rule to the mix and things will escalate.
- Manage your responses to their anger. It is natural for a child to feel sad or frustrated with the rules and sometimes they can say hurtful things. Tears and protests are expected. In the absence of abusive language, try to avoid reprimanding them for these responses – this can result in an endless loop. Seek support from your partner and friends (or a family therapist) to deal with feelings of rejection and fatigue.
Consider family therapy
With an intricate understanding of how children’s brains are wired, a trained family therapist can help you implement a discipline framework that is age-appropriate and tailored to your circumstances.
At The Good Relationship Practice they have years of experience working with families to establish a natural hierarchy where the parents are clearly in charge and children can thrive. Setting consequences is stressful and takes stamina, and we can support you to stay the course. They can also help you troubleshoot existing discipline frameworks and tweak things when they need adjusting.
