While giant steps have been made in men attending the birth of their child, why is it that many fathers-to-be aren’t front and centre for the long haul of antenatal appointments? Shelley Took, practice manager for Upper North Shore obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Andrew Peng, explains.
On Christmas day in 1945 my mother-in-law was born. Her father, like all men of that era, was not in attendance for the birth – rather relegated to a visitors’ room to await the good news.
Later, he was allowed to view his new daughter in the nursery (but only through glass). After seeing her tiny face peeking out of a cocoon of blankets, he went home.
Rocket forward to 1970 and my mother-in-law was in labour with her own child. Her husband was, you guessed it, in the visitors’ room awaiting the good news. In 25 years, no progress had been made in the attendance of men in the birthing suite.
I am pleased to say that history did not repeat itself a third time. When it was my time to give birth in 1970, my husband was with me every step of the way, even cutting the cord.
These days it is commonplace that the father (or a significant other) will be in attendance in the birthing suite. Short of being on active duty for the defence force in a far-off land, I daresay it would largely be considered unusual – and more than a bit unforgivable – for the father to be absent.
However, after the pregnancy is confirmed and the flurry of finding and meeting an obstetrician has occurred, how many men are missing in action for the ensuing antenatal appointments? According to Dr Peng, this is a thorny issue for some.
“Certainly, there is a trend towards men attending more antenatal appointments than even compared to five years ago, but it is fair to say that a large number do not regularly participate,” he says. “Women are well-educated and articulate. They are well able to navigate the pregnancy. It is not a matter of needing their partner to attend, rather they would like their partner to attend.”
According to Dr Peng, it is extremely beneficial for men to attend antenatal appointments. So important does he believe it to be, he goes so far as to offer Sunday morning and evening appointments at his practice to encourage attendance.
Top 5 reasons for partners to attend antenatal appointments
1. Reinforce the relationship. Starting a family is a momentous step in a relationship. There is no better way of building on the relationship than to travel the whole journey together. It is an important concept that the baby is happening to ‘both’ of you, just not ‘one’ of you.
2. Get to know the obstetrician. A relationship of trust is built over the nine-month period. When it comes to the big day, it is important that both partners know and trust their obstetrician. It is easier to trust someone with who you have pre-established rapport.
3. Establish a birth plan. While not all antenatal appointments are action-packed, birthing plans are discussed intermittently. The pros and cons of these plans are often debated – and it’s good for all parties to hear both sides of the arguments firsthand and well before the birth. “On a day when the guy can feel a bit out of his depth, he will definitely feel more involved and central if he has been active in the birthing discussion in the months leading up,” Dr Peng explains.
4. Provide support. The plethora of information about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting arrives from virtually the moment you confirm your pregnancy, and it can be overwhelming. Retaining the information and remembering the questions you want answered at your appointments is much easier when there are two of you.
5. Bond with the baby. Seeing the baby at each visit helps with bonding. “I find doing an ultrasound at every consultation is invaluable in reassuring parents that the baby is ok. For most women the baby bonding in utero is nearly immediate (especially once movements start) but, for men, they can feel somewhat remote. Actually seeing and hearing the baby at each appointment certainly helps with bonding,” Dr Peng says.
So, why aren’t men attending antenatal appointments?
If there are good, valid reasons for men to attend, why aren’t they? Are they disinterested? Is it that they think pregnancy is the ‘woman’s concern’? Or is it merely a case of being time poor? Certainly, the process of attending antenatal appointments can be time-consuming, and the scheduling isn’t always friendly. A weekday appointment is a necessary nightmare for most.
Dr Peng acknowledges that time logistics plays a key part. “Doctors of all specialities are notorious for running late,” he explains. “Obstetrics is particularly difficult, as babies choose when they arrive without any consideration for a time frame. This obviously has knock-on effects for people who have busy workdays planned around a set antenatal appointment time. And it can be a big issue in deciding upon antenatal attendance and one reason why Sunday morning appointments at my practice are so popular.”
One couple, Sarah and Michael, whose baby was recently delivered by Dr Peng, believes their joint attendance at appointments made a huge difference in their pregnancy journey.
“We looked forward to our Sunday appointments to see our little guy on ultrasound and would come home on a high,” Michael says. “Because I got to know Dr Peng and had been involved in the birthing discussions, I definitely was calmer during the actual birth. I knew what was happening, I trusted Dr Peng implicitly and I felt better prepared to support Sarah. Obviously life is busy, but I really recommend to future dads to attend as many of the appointments as possible.”
Dr Andrew Peng is an experienced obstetrician/gynaecologist. His main rooms are based in the SAN Clinic in Wahroonga. He delivers babies at the Sydney Adventist Hospital, Royal North Shore Hospital and the Mater. He has a special interest in high-risk obstetrics. After many rounds of IVF, he is the proud dad of two gorgeous children (and he attended the birth of both!).
Did or does your partner go to antenatal appointments? And, if so, are/were you glad of their support? Or would you rather go through the process alone? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
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