Let’s face it, if you’ve been the mum of a toddler, you’ve at least experienced some of the below. So here’s to reliving it all again!
A for AGGGHHHH
No tantrum is complete without this sound … this long, drawn out, impossibly shrill sound.
B for BREATH HOLDING
It’s really nothing to worry about unless the bub turns blue and keels over! In the meantime, enjoy the momentary silence…
C for CRYING
If there is only crying, consider yourself lucky!
D for DADDY
The child always calls for Daddy to ‘save’ them from ‘mean Mummy’ and give them what they want. The opposite is true if Daddy is the ‘bad guy’ for not giving in and Mummy isn’t around.
E for EAR-PIERCING
Apparently more than 130 decibels is enough to induce pain. And probably draw a crowd from every corner of a Westfield Shopping Centre.
F for FLAILING
Arms, legs … everywhere. Be sure to stay out of the way of this demon propellor before you get a black eye.
G for GNAWING
Especially evident when the parent is holding both hands in an attempt to calm the child down. Watch your nose!
H for HEADBANGING
No heavy music in earshot, just probably a hard wall or floor and a very panicked Mum.
I for ICE-CREAM
Don’t, under any circumstances, pass an ice-cream store without being prepared to buy one or a tantrum will surely ensue. Tip: Study a shopping centre map for escalators, lifts, stairs, fire exits – anything – to prevent you going past an ice-cream store unnecessarily.
J for JOIN IN
If your young one hears another child crying, you can bet your bottom dollar a little choir is about to be born. And the sound will NOT be heavenly.
K for KICKING
This is the time you really regret buying those really solid-soled sandals or boots that were ‘built to last’.
L for LET IT GO
Let’s face it, that chick from Frozen was really onto something, except the part where she sings: “The cold never bothered me, anyway”. Those daggers of ice coming from your child’s eyes during a tantrum are just a little bit worrying…
M for MELTDOWN
Usually, the child lies face down on the floor, bangs fists and screams blue murder.
N for NOOOOOOO!
This could come from you, or come from the child; who wins this battle is anyone’s guess.
O for OESTROGEN
During a tantrum you blame this hormone for increasing your sexual desire enough to have a child in the first place.
P for PLONK
The sound of you sitting your child back into his or her pram or car seat following a tantrum. Plus, the joyful sound of ice cubes dropping into your ‘medicinal’ bourbon later in the evening.
Q for QUICK EXIT
Nice in theory, but impossible in practice. You need to be able to carry the child (acting like an octopus on speed), plus your shopping, plus your handbag, maybe even a pram, away from the scene of the crime. Good luck with that.
R for RIDE-ONS
Shopping centres should be held accountable for those damn trains, cars, animals – you name it – in their pretty bright colours with flashing lights (just like a lighthouse warning of impending disaster). If you say yes to a ride, your child won’t ever get off; if you say no, see ‘M for Meltdown’.
S for SHOPPING CENTRE
The epicentre of all major public tantrums. The more crowded the better.
T for TONSILS
Always on show during a mega-explosion, vibrating to each and every scream.
U for UNDERSTANDING
Nope, doesn’t exist. A child in a tantrum never understands the word ‘no’, and Mum finds it very hard to understand a child in a tantrum, too.
V for VANISHING ACT
What every mum wants to do when a public tantrum ensues. Just where is Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility when you need it?
W for WHINING
Before or after screaming, it really doesn’t matter; whining could possibly be the worst of all human sounds … the worst!
X for X-FACTOR
Just like an audition for X-Factor, you can be certain that each and every parent and non-parent in the vicinity is judging you and your child. 10 out of 10 to your child for sound projection and holding a high note for more than 30 seconds. 0 out of 10 for your stage-Mummy skills.
Y for YELLING
Usually you, while dragging the tantrum-performing child kicking and screaming to a quiet corner to have a good ‘talking to’.
Z for ZZZZZ
Hopefully, this is the sound you’ll here when the tantrum is over and the child has exhausted themselves enough to sleep.
Note: This list of tantrum responses is in no way shape or form a suggestion of how you or your child behaves, just me and mine. And it is in no way shape or form intended to turn you off having children or another child.
My beautiful Charlie in a not-so-beautiful tantrum moment…
I’d love to hear all about your tantrum ‘experiences’. And any tips to get through them! Reveal all in the comments section below.
