We’re at the start of a brand new year, which means many of us are looking for a new start. End-of-year exhaustion and the excitement of the silly season can result in frayed nerves, feelings of high stress and sometimes even a nervous breakdown. If you’re feeling the strain and find yourself getting short-tempered, Mimi Fong has some advice. Here are some great tips on how to deal with people who upset you.
Of course, we are all different, with different backgrounds, views and personalities. And because you’re not going to get along with everyone you meet, it’s natural to encounter conflict and upsets in your life. The important thing is HOW you deal with these upsets, or more specifically, the person who upsets you.
- How many times has something that someone said really angered or annoyed you?
- Is there someone at work or in your family who you find intimidating?
- Do you have a friend or business colleague, or even someone at your child’s school, who has behaved in a way that has upset and frustrated you?
Who’s really to blame in an upset? You.
Naturally, if I asked you “Who is the CAUSE of your anger, annoyance, fear, upset and frustration in those instances?” you might be tempted to answer that it’s the other person causing the upset.
But I would suggest that you’re wrong. As much as we might not like it, the answer is in fact – YOU. Here’s how to deal with people who upset you.
Your own triggers dictate how you respond to others
In neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), we call this Perception Is Projection.
This means, what we perceive as real is actually a projection of what’s happening within us.
Let me give you an example:
You and your work colleague have the same boss. You find the boss intimidating to work with as they bully you at work, and you always seem to receive the short end of the stick from them. Your colleague, on the other hand, has a smooth working relationship and your boss seems to treat them with respect.
You might think: it’s just a personality clash between you and your boss (which seems perfectly valid).
But ask yourself: Why is there a clash? What about your boss triggers negative emotions in you?
The answer is: How you perceive the other person is actually a projection of something inside you.
You will only react to something if there is an underlying issue inside you that is triggered by them.
In other words, you see people around you through a filter according to your own emotional triggers.
In the case of the bullying boss, even though you and your work colleague are in the same meeting, you filter or interpret your boss’s remarks and behaviours differently. If your boss says something in a certain way, your colleague may interpret this as being decisive, while you interpret it as controlling.
Your own internal triggers will determine:
- How you respond or feel at the time (your emotions)
- How you come across or react (your behaviour)
- What you do afterwards (your actions)
How should you handle people who upset you?
- BE AWARE that what you are perceiving could be a projection of an unresolved or underlying issue within you.
- ASK YOURSELF, what is this a trigger for from my past, and why does it trigger me?
- CHOOSE TO LET GO. Even if the other person sets out to intentionally intimidate and bully you, you can choose to let this wash over you. Remember, it’s their stuff. Choose to not take it on!
This system helps you minimise, understand or prevent similar situations in the future. By being aware of what is happening internally and understanding your trigger and cause programming, you can choose to act, behave, and think differently- which can remove the charge behind the negative emotions. You restore yourself to a calm and more balanced state and are able to think more clearly, knowing how to deal with people who upset you.
Mimi Fong helps women struggling with negativity and self-doubt to break the cycle of unhappiness, reclaim confidence, and go from surviving to THRIVING! Kick start the new year with a special NSM offer for a 45-minute one-on-one Phone Consult with Mimi to drill down on your biggest challenge, find our what’s holding you back, work out what’s not working and make a plan of attack! Click here for more details. Valid until Sunday 20 January 2019.